My Smart Mouth

Today is my sweetheart’s birthday. He was born exactly three weeks before me, which puts us both under the astrological sign of Gemini – a personality pairing that astrology assures me is either brilliant, or disastrous.

Whether or not you set any store by astrology, it’s still fun to read the occasional horoscope or breakdown of your astrological sign. Because each sign encompasses a number of personality traits, one can usually find some example in their own nature to back up the astrological data. Some of us, however, seem to almost eerily “fit” our astrological sign, while for others it’s more of a stretch.

For example, I am at first glance much more the stereotypical garrulous, free-spirited Gemini than my solid and somewhat taciturn sweetheart. However, the astrological sign of Gemini – represented in the heavens by the twin constellation of Castor and Pollux, is one of duality. What this means is that any Gemini is likely to have two sides to his or her personality, and my sweetheart is no exception. Although he comes off as quiet and reserved, once you get to know him it becomes evident that he has a very active, somewhat wicked sense of humor – a trait that is pretty high on my list of requirements for compatibility. I’m sorry, but if you can’t laugh at movie scene featuring a guy falling flaming from a two-story window, it’s probably just not going to work out between us.

The sign is ruled by the planet Mercury, and the term “mercurial” – meaning changeable – was probably coined to describe the Gemini’s quicksilver personality. Mercury represents communication, writing and motion, meaning the Gemini in your life is likely to be quick witted, expressive and energetic. Geminis are known to make excellent artists and car salesmen. The Gemini person is often a versatile, fun-loving individual, born with flexibility, charm and the desire to learn and experience all that they can.

If you are married to a Gemini, chances are you have a hard time getting a word in edgewise, as most of us love the sound of our own voice and never shut up. We probably also irritate you by regularly flirting shamelessly with everyone, including the waiter, your boss and your brother.

Many famous entertainers were born under the sign of Gemini. Geminis also make excellent writers, revolutionaries and lawyers.

The Gemini nature is characterized by two different personalities in one package, and most Geminis have a flip-side to their nature. Basically, they are their own evil twin. Geminis do not tolerate confinement and generally despise repetition and routine. Their intolerance for boredom can make them fickle, and their changeable nature tends to foster inconsistency. Most Geminis crave attention and love to talk about themselves. They are also born manipulators who are good at getting what they want.

Geminis sneakily feed other people’s dogs under the table. Given the opportunity, a Gemini will steal your boyfriend. Statistics show that 90 percent of ex-wives are Geminis. If you have ever been beaten at scrabble, it was by a Gemini. No Gemini should ever be allowed a credit card.

Most Geminis are the life of the party, but they also have a deep emotional side. Despite a nature that might at first come off as shallow, Geminis are fiercely loyal in friendship and in love. Once a Gemini has decided to attach herself to you, you will never be rid of her. Most restraining orders are taken out against Geminis. Geminis are talented car thieves. If you ever have to hide a body, call your Gemini friend.

My best friend of eighteen years, whose son was born the day before my birthday, has often joked that she had plenty of practice in dealing with a Gemini child long before motherhood, thanks to me. Our relationship consists mainly of her promptly responding to my never-ending barrage of text messages and constantly telling me I’m pretty. We also like to talk about books.

If you are going to travel, be sure to always bring a Gemini along. Geminis also make excellent house sitters, although small children should not be left in their care.

Given proper care and feeding, a Gemini is a fun, generous, loyal and entertaining companion who will give a witty speech at your wedding and hate your ex even more than you do. Geminis are most compatible with Aquarians, Leos, Aries and Libras. When two Geminis form an attachment, one of two things happen: either someone goes to jail, or a double complete rainbow appears, all the way across the sky.

Speaking of rainbows, I believe the clouds are starting to lift. Time for me to go celebrate a birthday.