Ranching Defined

A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."

(Steven Crane, WAR IS KIND)

COW

A digestive tract, pierced at both ends. Rarely gives birth or milk.

BULL

1,800 pounds of dubious genetic potential. $6,000 of sterility and lameness.

CALF

80 pounds of hope when born; 500 pounds of disappointment when sold.

DOG, (yours)

An intelligent and loyal marvel, worth more than three people when working cattle.

DOG, (others)

An insane barking cur, most often seen with its owner running behind

it, shrieking, "Get back, you SOB!"

CAT

Cat

RANCH

A barren area of the earth, populated by exhausted people and hungry animals. Acres of debt, surrounded by bad fences.

FEEDGROUND

A filthy area of manure and wasted hay where the scavengers gather to eat the aborted fetuses from malnourished cows.

HORSE

A dangerous, unmanageable beast, used to move barren cows from one overgrazed pasture to another overgrazed pasture.

CALVING BARN

A cold, damp, shed where calves can die while they're protected from the wind and snow.

CALVING LOT

A confined area of bovine pestilence and death.

CALVING JUG

A small pen designed to make it easier for a cow to trample her calf.

PICKUP

A battered vehicle used to haul crap around for years. Often found with a dead calf in the back. A $35,000 dog taxi.

ATV

A small, four-wheeled vehicle used to rush from one hopeless situation to another hopeless situation.

PREGNANCY TESTING

Disappointment at your fingertips.

IRRIGATION DITCH

A dry depression in a hay meadow, which serves mainly to allow cows, horses, and sheep to get on their backs and die.

SHEEP

A farm animal that is born seeking any way possible to die. It is quite often successful.

RAIN

A rare, natural phenomenon that occurs only when you have 100 tons of your best hay raked and ready to bale. Rain can appear when half the calves are branded.

SNOW

Frozen precipitation that tells the rancher when he can quit haying and start feeding.

CORRALS

A pathetic labyrinth of shoddy pens, connected by dragging gates which should have been burned years ago.

GATE

Something a cow is always on the wrong side of.

DOOR

"Something a dog is always on the wrong side of." (James Thurber)

HEN

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg." (Samuel Butler)

BAR

A local business which calls you at 2 a.m., requesting that you come and get your night calver off of the floor so they can close and go home.

RAKE (side delivery)

An expensive piece of haying equipment, designed to knock every leaf off the alfalfa before it's rained on and baled.

BALER

An expensive and fragile piece of haying equipment, made to roll alfalfa

stems into moldy cylinders to be fed to barren cows and crippled horses.

SWATHER

A very expensive and fragile piece of haying equipment, made to cut good alfalfa so it can be rained on, then have the leaves knocked off by a side delivery rake, and finally rolled into moldy cylinders to be fed to barren cows and crippled horses.

SHOP

A dark and dirty shed where comedic attempts at mechanical repair are attempted – always to no avail.

FENCE

A laughable collection of rotten posts and rusty wire. Serves only to

separate a cow from her calf or to cripple your best horse.

IRRIGATION

Consists of hopeless efforts to get water where it ain't.

WIFE

The hardest working person on a ranch, and often the only sane one.

HUSBAND

Most often found asleep in the recliner. The wife will check the heifers for him, but only after she's finished the dishes and put a load of wash in

the machine.

HEIFER

A young cow, which has its first dead calf at two years of age.

UDDER

A useless mass of soft tissue carried by a cow to fool a calf into thinking that there is reason to live another day.

MILK

A rare liquid which serves as a medium to breed the microbes that cause scours in calves.

RANCHER

A carrier of debt and hope. Can be identified by the following behavior:

"He threw himself from his chair, hurled himself through the door, leaped onto his horse, and rode madly off in all directions."

(Stephen Butler Leacock, "GERTRUDE THE GOVERNESS")