Losing control

This week I thought I would write about control, and if you know me, this is kind of a funny topic. For those who don't know me, the reason this is especially humorous is that it's being written by a known, in-denial, reforming, control freak.

It just so happens that over the last week, there have been a lot of discussions by various people in my life about the area of control (control of events, people, things, etc.) and it prompted something within me to take on the topic.

I'll start by saying that if 2020 taught us anything, it taught us that none of us are in control of just about anything. We sat down (metaphorically), held on and, for those of us who like order and control, realized we were in for the ride of our lives. We didn't know what to expect, and in a lot of cases, didn't know how to handle it. Coming from this person, who likes to control things, it was very, very uncomfortable.

My control issues started fairly early in life and proceeded to accompany me on my way into adulthood where I wanted to control every situation. From my undoable to do list to my out-of-control busy schedule, and likely even to the people around me or who had anything to do with my life. It's taken me more than 25 years to realize I can't control any single one of these things, or the number of other things I didn't list. What I have learned is the only thing I really have any amount of control over are my feelings and reactions to any situation life presents to me.

I remember back in my 20's, raising two kids. A full-time job that often required overtime, college classes that also included homework, study groups and a math tutor, kids activities like soccer, t-ball, swimming and music lessons, and the normal everyday stuff: bills, commuting, shopping, yada, yada, yada – you get the picture. Our schedules were so crammed and controlling every minute of our time that if something unexpected happened (side note, something unexpected always happens), I found myself getting angry and annoyed because it didn't fit into our already crazy life.

I've come to realize now that maybe every minute of our lives shouldn't be controlled. Sure, we all have schedules and things to get accomplished, but if every minute is already accounted for, where's the time for all the fun stuff that happens in between?

Lately, my reactions to things are generally less than they have been before. Maybe it's come with the realization that trying to control things is very stressful and consumes too much of my energy. My time, energy, health and peace of mind are far more valuable than the energy it takes to control everything, all the time.

But even a reforming control freak slips back into her nefarious ways. So how do I know now when I've taken on too much and am trying to control things again? Two things: first, my attitude is bad and by that I mean I'm grumpy, in general, about anything and everything. Second (and this probably should be first because this is a key indicator), I find myself saying things like "I don't have time/energy/capacity to do/deal with this right now. For the record, that second part took me a really long time to understand what was going on. I just thought I was busy, but what it really was/is, is that I'm trying to control too much of what's going on around me and in my life.

I know some people today, even right here in Lincoln, who like to control things. Does that make them a bad person? Not at all. Does it sometimes make working with them in organizations and on projects a little more difficult? Sometimes. But I imagine, down deep – below the need for control ¬ is generally a person who wants things to go well or whatever project they are working on to succeed. They are usually well-intentioned, they mean well, they just don't know how to let go and let things happen. Can anyone relate? I know I can.

It's like there's this little line between planning and controlling, and it's a pretty fine one. Of course life, events, most things in general, require some planning, but the control comes in when it consumes your life and you feel the need to take it all on or micro-manage those who have already said they would handle X, Y, Z. It's about having trust in those around you, and in yourself.

What else have I learned through trying to control and learning to lose control? I've learned, and am still learning, how to say the word "no." I'm also not jumping into, or volunteering my time, for everything. I'm very deliberate about what I choose to spend my time on. I guess that's my version of control. For my own sanity, and for those around me, this has been a really good thing. I no longer feel obligated to do things that don't feed my soul. I've also learned that trying to control everything is exhausting and simply sucks the life out of having a good time. Lastly, I feel like it prevents us (me included) from enjoying the process and watching life, events and people, unfold and grow.

For any of my fellow current, in-denial, and/or reforming, control freaks (and for those who know control freaks in any of the capacities mentioned) I'll leave you a couple final thoughts that may help you or those you know.

Sometimes, life is better when we're not trying to control it. Sometimes, if you let it, life, the people around you and the world in general will happily surprise you if you let them.

Learn to say no, learn to say yes to what matters and learn how to control your reactions to all of the other stuff you can't control (which for the record, is everything else in life).

Lastly, smile through it all if you can, but most of all, let go of the notion that everything has to be controlled.