Somewhere in the Middle

People have often said that there are always two sides to a story. In actuality, there really are at least three sides to every story, especially in stories containing two people and some sort of disagreement. In my opinion, there is the side from one person’s perspective, the side from the other person’s perspective, and somewhere in the middle lies the closest version to the actual truth. Sometimes it helps to have this perspective, especially when you’re the one with a side.

Recently, I found myself in this type of predicament. I feel I’m being blamed unjustly for something I didn’t do, when in my mind, this other individual brought on a situation themselves, found themselves hurt by what happened, and is holding me responsible for not defending them because of my own interests.

Without getting into particulars, I found that the whole incident and what’s come from it a sad state of affairs. Then, I remembered something from a book I read a couple of years ago, and still have on my bookshelf for reference, and in this case, a reminder.

The book, Don Miguel Ruiz’s book entitled, “The Four Agreements.” If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. In the book, he writes of these four agreements, which are in fact, agreements we make with ourselves. Agreement 1: Be impeccable with your word. Agreement 2: Don’t take things personally. Agreement 3: Don’t make assumptions. Agreement 4: Always do your best. They all work well on their own, but especially when they are combined. Like everything new, these agreements need to be practiced in order to be effective.

Of all of those agreements, the one I have the most difficult time with is not taking things personally, especially when I feel my character is being attacked. In reality, that’s when I need to remember it the most. The agreement, by Ruiz’s words says this: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different one from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world into their world.”

He goes on to add “I am responsible for what I say, but once the words have left my mouth, I don’t have any control as to how they are going to be perceived. It is not what I’m saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said.”

There is also a diagram offered on the “Official Facebook Page of the Four Agreements,” which has a little block in a graph with the title “How little it has to do with me,” and another much larger block with the wording, “How personally I take it anyway.”

When I read over his words and let them linger in my mind, and in my heart, it really gives me the sense of letting go. I cannot control how others perceive what I say or do. Those perceptions are theirs and theirs alone. There is nothing I could have done differently in my particular case that would have brought about a different outcome because the wounds that are part of this other individual only sees and feels to the capacity at which they are able.

And it goes both ways. What I said to this person touched them, or invoked a reaction from them because of the wounds my words touched, and the same goes for the words and actions they directed at me. We’re both culpable, but I’m responsible for how I choose to move forward.

For those of us who are “feelers,” this concept of not taking anything personally can be a tough pill to swallow. We take a lot of things, and often, everything everyone says or does, very, very personally. We have this need of wanting people to like us, and in general, we’re the people-pleasers.

I’ve come to realize, through this experience, and others like it, that my words “somewhere in the middle” has a lot of meaning. On one side, there is the part of me that wants or needs to be the people-pleaser, on the other side, there is the part of me that wants to block it all out and say “I don’t give a s&*% anymore,” but somewhere in the middle is the place where I can find some balance between the two extremes and it sounds like this. “I’ve done the best I can from where I’m at in this particular space and time. I have no control to how others perceive me, my words, or my actions. I choose to be at peace with the results of my encounters with people and hope they can choose the same. I’m reminded not to take their words and actions personally, and when faced with similar situations, I’ll try to remember that somewhere in the middle is where the truth lies.”