From My Perspective: Passing Judgement

I recently overheard a conversation between two people while I was sitting at a machine in the Wheel Inn. I’m not sure if these two individuals, one of whom I care for a lot, knew I was there, didn’t realize they were speaking so loud or didn’t care if I heard they were talking about me. It’s not like I was in extremely close proximity to these individuals either.

At any rate, I sat at the machine, pressing the “bet one” and “play” buttons, using my allotted $20 for the evening while I listened to what these two individuals thought of me, and apparently my other half and our relationship.

I’ll preface this by saying one of the individuals talking about me is upset with my other half for something that was said about another individual in town over a year ago, and something that person says they cannot forgive my other half for. (Don’t you just love small towns?) That’s completely fine and it’s between them, and up until last week, my relationship with that person hadn’t changed. Based on the judgmental views and, in my opinion, a lack of respect for me by talking about me, that may change.

I’ll also add another preface. What is often said in a bar is just bolstered talk from people who have been drinking too much. Sometimes, my other half is included in that group of individuals and, in my opinion, probably what led to his ill-words about someone last year. That doesn’t make the loudness, off-talk, putting down or even mean-spirited words okay - not by a long shot. Because of that, when I’m in a bar, I believe half of what I see, and even less of what I hear. So when the conversation carried my name and the name of my other half, I was a little intrigued to see what lies and truth might come out. I didn’t expect to be judged so harshly, however.

Last preface, I promise. My other half and I are two individual people, just as any couple. There’s the “you,” the “me,” and the “us.” Often, two individuals, very different in their thoughts, opinions, actions and beliefs are together, and it often doesn’t make sense to others around them. That’s what makes it work, most of the time. Each person generally comes to the relationship with some similar interests, beliefs, etc., and then the things that makes each of those people an individual. Sometimes, those differences are too much, sometimes not enough, and sometimes relationships just get comfortable. The point is, what business is it of anyone else's as to why a relationship works, or why certain people are together? I’ll admit, I’ve looked at couples and thought to myself, “Hmm, interesting pairing.” I don’t get it, but it’s not my relationship and not for me to understand, so I move on because, really, I have enough going on in life to worry about the relationships of others.

So there I was, sitting, playing, minding my own business, and listening to these two people go on and on about what horrible things my other half said, how he’s not a nice person (I improvised on words there because the words that were used aren’t fit for a newspaper column), and how I was so sweet but how could I possibly stand to be with and live with someone like him.

Listen up and I’ll tell you how, even if it’s really none of your business. Apparently I need to set records straight two weeks in a row…

I’m with this person because I want to be, plain and simple, and period. He has loved, supported, and taken care of me, as I have him, for going on ten years. The version I get of him, and the version he gets of me, are probably different than the versions everyone in public gets to see of either of us. Generally, he doesn’t treat me the same way he treats most other people. He and I have a mutual respect. We respect our similarities (whether those individuals see it or not), and our differences. We’re building a life together that makes sense to us and doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else.

My relationship, like it or not, is mine and isn’t up for your judgment. You don’t have to get it. Yes, my other half can be a jerk, but it's usually only reserved for those people who, in his mind, deserve it. Yes, I’m generally a pretty nice, sweet person, until you do something to warrant something other than my general demeanor.

Here’s the thing in my mind though… if you’re going to be so upset over something that was said in a bar over a year ago, that wasn’t even about you, and then decide to talk about me and the person who said it, passing your own kind of judgement, so to speak, how different is that?

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it for over a week. In my mind, it makes you just as guilty as my other half. You’re passing judgement and saying things about me, and I didn’t even do anything. So, shame on you too - and you know who you are!

This whole thing takes me back to a column a couple of weeks ago though, about giving grace. While one part of me really wants to just be angry at these people for talking about me, and I am, maybe I should practice a little more of what I preach and give some grace and let it go. I hope I can get there in time.

But right now, I am angry, I am hurt and I’m tired of all the judgment.