'Safer choices' about dating, sexual intimacy, respect focus of presentations at Lincoln School

"Ask first and respect the answer" is the main thing Mike Domitrz wants people to take away from his SAFER Choices presentation, which looks at attitudes surrounding sex and intimacy among high school and junior high school students, as well as their parents.

On Wednesday May 11 Domitrz hosted three separate presentations, talking first with the 5th through 8th eighth grade students, then with high schoolers and finally with parents that evening.

The decision to have Domitrz speak at the school came about in part because of the recent sexual assault at Lambkin Park.

Lincoln Elementary School Principal Shane Brown said it was a wakeup call.

"We used to do presentations like this all the time," he said. However, the COVID shutdowns and other issues shifted the schools focus in the last two years.

Annette Gardner, who led the search for a speaker on the subject said Domitrz was highly recommended. "He truly presents to tens of thousands every year. He works with the military. There were lots of recommendations from other groups that had him."

Brown spent time talking with Domitrz over zoom to make sure his presentations would be a good fit for Lincoln and would have an impact on the students.

"People have impressions on what's appropriate and what's not, as far as when you're presenting it to their kids," he said. "I felt very confident within a short time this was going to be a great fit."

Domitrz' presentations are both frank and humorous as he speaks openly about topics that many find awkward.

The founder and president of the Center for Respect, Domitrz is nationally known for his books and presentations that guide teens toward making good decisions about dating, personal safety, and sex. He has been speaking to kids and adults about the best practices for sexual decision making for 32 years. It's a field he became active in after his sister was raped.

Though prevention of sexual assault is ultimately at the heart of his program, he doesn't focus on it directly. Instead, he looks at and discusses the underlying issues that can lead to an assault.

Domitrz kicked off his talk with parents by asking how the "sexual culture" has changed since they were in school. "Is what your kids are feelings about intimacy...dramatically different than what you went through 20 or 30 years ago?"

While the internet and social media play a role in their lives, he contends that kids have all the same emotions, fears and concerns their parents had at the exact same age, "They're just doing it in a different culture than you were," he said.

His conversation with parents covered a wide range of topics from abstinence, a term even the adults had a tough time defining, to consent, which he calls a "horrifically low standard," boundaries to "mutually amazing consensual sexual activity," which he said should be the standard rather than the exception. Domitrz also discussed availability of pornography and the manipulation often involved in sex (even among adults) and in teens sending nude photos.

Domitrz encouraged parents to talk to their kids about their standards for sexual activity and challenged the assumption; if parents talk about sex, kids are going to get ideas. "Why is that hilarious?" he asked pointing out kids are already hearing about it. "If you're not talking about it, they're only hearing one version of it. That's wherever their source is coming from."

He said the information is all around them, in the media, on the internet and from other kids. "Do you really want another 12-year-old teaching your kid about sexual intimacy? That's what they're getting now."

Domitrz said Lincoln students were upfront about their experience and what happens among their peers.

Brown caught the end of the junior high presentation and was on hand for Domitrz' talk with the high schoolers and felt it went very well.

"They were really open, they had great discussions, very open, very respectful," he said. "There was no misconception of what would have been right or wrong. They do know. I think there's too much pressure to just go with it. I don't think they hear it enough that some of these subjects are not OK, so they just assume that everybody's doing them."

Parent might have been surprised to learn about some of the things teenagers here have been up to, but Domitrz said the feedback from the Lincoln students resonates with other schools he's been to across the country.

"That's the one thing," he said, "what kids are nervous about, what their concerns are, are very consistent around the country. I will say this, they were every open, they were very honest, they were engaged. You could tell they want to do the right thing."

He reiterated that doing the right thing means always asking first and respecting the answer. "That's really key: respecting other human beings' boundaries and treating every human being with respect and dignity."

For more information on Domitzr and the Center for Respect, visit http://www.centerforrespect.com